Have you ever had a moment where everything lines up just long enough to make sense?
During a counselling session this week it happened to me. The question posed was:
“What do you need?” I didn’t know the answer, I’m not sure I ever do. Hard to decide what I require if so little of my time or energy is directed my way.
I’ve disconnected from myself, I don’t know what I need because what I need is so intensely woven with how I feel that I’m unable to unravel one to examine it without inviting the other, also unfolded.
I realised I have been trying not to feel anything, because I can’t ‘deal’ with the emotions. I was challenged to answer what it is I have to cope with exactly, what do I have to do with the feeling? Why do I have to do anything at all? Can I not just be? Sit with the feeling long enough to acknowledge it then begin to move forward again?
My emotional intensity scares me, I’ve only heard it truly once and it almost killed me. I crashed myself then in a deliberate, callous swerve. More than fifteen years ago I didn’t care whether I lived or died. Lie. I cared. I wanted to die I just didn’t want to be the one to do it.
I didn’t eat from one day to the next,
smoked cigarette after cigarette and never slept.
I barely spoke, my voice dried,
I didn’t try – succumbed to hide.
I ran into my storm…taking risks in the dark nights.
I was thrown in the wind with tears streaming,
Years for the wild wind whipped storm to slow
Me bruised and battered gaze up to see slivers of calm
Not wild, more lost than I’ve ever been. Feeble fight.
My self-sacrifice to an apathetic suicide pact for one filled two, maybe three, years but now fear of rocking back into that deep groove, deeper now from my practiced pushing down of my feelings. In the irresistible groove I thrash and scream in vain, outstretched but failing to grasp the last threads of sanity.
So I don’t edge near even if it doesn’t keep me safe in the here and now. I have mental capacity if not happiness. Silent tears streamed painlessly from my eyes when I voiced my reticence to feel in a counselling room which held me safer than I felt in my head.
What do I need? To feel? Let it go, released by my choice? I know now. I need to stop the battle to keep the irrepressible down. I need quiet, internal quiet. I need peace.
I answered my counsellor’s question an hour after she posed it: “I need my mind to be calm. I need internal quiet.”
Find internal quiet.