I’m aching from normal heartbreak today. It’s funny how unexpected this is co-existing with the need to get away physically and emotionally. More dominant is the need to be safe.
Under this, a small voice tells me I’m sad, I’m just sad. I wanted a loving relationship, a family which felt good and complicated only with mundanity.
I have to let go of the promise of a relationship which didn’t ever happen. I bought in to the beginning (I think it’s called love bombing) and I had to step back more objectively to realise it didn’t actually happen.
It. Never. Happened.
To him I am the most beautiful and loving person, he will be loyal forever. We will have a wonderful life ahead, together. He’s trying so hard but my behaviour ever increasingly makes me filth, not fit for anyone least of all him, he loved me in spite of my repugnance. He cared even though I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. I flirted in the ice cream queue standing with my children at school when I asked the grandfather behind if I’d accidentally cut in. I smiled too generously at the helpful couple I asked for directions. I don’t understand that my friendliness is flirting and so I need to stop talking to people at all. Don’t look anyone in the eye because they will mistake my love of human connection for something else. I need to learn how to behave in a relationship. I have it all wrong. Sometimes I’m still beautiful to him but I’m failing more and more, I’m ignorant, he says and calculating and slutty.
A flash flicked over my mind and I realised it wasn’t me, this is the reality of the relationship I found myself in.
I’m a normal person. Not beautiful or repugnant, not callous or ignorant but just average. I couldn’t understand how I gave the wrong impression in the queue or asking for directions or any of the other countless times…I didn’t. It wasn’t rational, it was him.
I’m grieving for a paper relationship, one which didn’t exist beyond the promise, beyond the boardroom proposal. It didn’t get off the ground, the blueprint stayed sketched on paper, he didn’t invest in it. I did.